Things haven't been easy...

I dread having posts like this, but it needs to be said, and it needs to be out of my head.  Things haven't been easy for me after I came home from the states visit.  I fell into a really deep funk that I really couldn't shake.  I didn't want to go anywhere, do anything.  I started gaining weight.  Like an inordinate amount of weight.  So I went to the dr., I got on some medication, and I do feel a little better now.  I started this medication about 2 1/2 weeks ago I think.  I already feel my mood lifting.  Thats good.  But I can't help but feel horrible when I step into my pants...pants that only a year ago would have been wayyyy too big for me, and they are too small...like I can't breath all the way.  They are only one of three pairs of jeans that I can fit into right now.  My other two are in the wash, so I have to suck it in up, and workout while putting them on, then when I sit down to type on my computer, hope that the buttons don't go flying!
I hate this feeling.  I know things were bad for me, and I overeat when stressed, depressed, ect.  So thats what I was doing.  I had not even a little bit of motivation, and I didn't want to do anything in January.  February came along, and I started doing more, but it wasn't everything I should have been doing.  Still no working out, still eating crappy food.  I can't even count how much fast food we ate, because I just "didn't feel like cooking."  A few weeks ago, I'd noticed that I hadn't had a fruit or veggie that whole week...wow!  I've struggled with my weight ever since I got pregnant with Autumn.  I lost a lot of it after having her, but gained it back when we moved away from my family to Colorado.  I think I was lonely, Paul was gone first to AIT, then he was gone to Iraq, and so I gained weight.  I didn't think a whole lot of it then.  Paul and I definately had our issues then though too.  We were still trying to work out the kinks in our new marriage.  I started working out to a dvd, and soon after he came home from Iraq, I found out I was pregnant with Sierra.  I was devestated, I didn't want a baby at that point in time.  I went through the motions, I didn't gain a whole bunch of weight, but I was already bigger to begin with, so it didn't matter, any weight that I gained was too much.  After I had Sierra, a year went by, and I stepped on a scale at a dr.'s office and I was 223.6 lbs (the highest I've ever been), I also had high cholesterol.  That gave me the motivation I needed.  I started working out nonstop, eating 1200 calories, Paul got deployed, and instead of feeling lonely, I worked out all the time.  Most days it was 4-6 hours a day that I would work out.  I know now, that it was too much.  I was down to a HOT 150 lbs when he came home 11 mos later.  Then we found out we were going to Germany.  We had to sell our house, I was very very stressed, and we also had it in our minds that we should eat out at all of our favorite restaurants as much as we possibly could...needless to say, I don't agree with that anymore, I don't even miss the restaurants that much.  So we ate out, I didn't even have time to work out, things were hectic, and just a mess.
We got to Germany, and the lonliness really kicked into high gear.  I don't call my family much because it can get expensive with the euro rate.  So I had the girls and friends, I was lucky enough to make a really good friend immediately when I got here, but it didn't help my weight.  I just wanted to cook regular things.  I wanted to work out in my house, but the house is very small, I can manage it most days, but there also isn't plush carpet, its all wood, and it doesn't feel good on my feet or shins.  Paul was gone almost constantly when we got here, first he went to school in Georgia, then he went to Mannheim for training, then off to Graff, he was gone a lot.  So I was lonely a lot.  What do I do when I'm lonely...well eat of course!  I was still managing to workout some at home though.  He then was sent to Iraq for a 15 month deployment this time...I lost weight again.  Not at the rate that I did last time, but slowly....very slowly.  At first I did the southbeach diet, I couldn't stick to it, so I started working out at bootcamp, and just eating better, cooking out of my healthier cookbooks ect.  It worked well enough.  I was down to 160 when he came home, I'd started at 211.  It was slower, but I didn't want to put myself in that situation again where I would work out too much.  I also did nutrisystem the last few months, and I enjoyed that a lot actually.  It was easier on me, especially being in Germany where food isn't as readily available as it is in the states.  By that, I mean that I can't get the low carb, high fiber tortilla's over here, that I could get in the states, so it worked.  Soon after my husband came home, we went on vacation.  I knew I'd gain some weight, but I was hoping it wouldn't be much.  I gained 10 lbs on vacation.  The working out, the eating well...not going too well for me.  Then we started having parties, from there, I've gained back almost all the weight I lost while Paul was on deployment.  How depressing.
I need to find something that works for me, all the time.  Not just some of the time.  For some reason I associate Paul being gone with me working out, and losing weight.  When he's here, I let loose, I give in, and I gain weight.
I'm saying this right now, because I had my birthday party this past weekend.  My pictures are HORRIBLE.  People actually took pictures of me, and I was looking at them, thinking...eww.
I'm also still stressed out because we have a big move coming up, I'm lonely because Paul has been gone a lot since he got home in January, luckily he's home now, but he's about to leave for the field, and I'm freaking out about the move being so close to the time he comes back.  I don't want to leave here any later than I have to.  I really really want everything to fall into place.
I know that if I could get into my own house again, into a comfortable place that I would start to lose weight again.  I know that I want a treadmill, but have no room for it here.  I made Paul promise me last night, that he would buy me a treadmill and make sure I have tivo...if nothing else, I can always just walk while I watch tv shows.  I am trying to get back to working out, slowly but surely.  Last week, I worked out Monday-Thursday.  Friday-today has not been having a workout though.  I haven't felt very good since Sunday, and Friday we went to Poland, Saturday was my birthday, and I was still tired from Poland.  Sunday-yesterday I didn't feel that well.  Today, I got dressed in my workout clothes, started doing laundry and just couldn't get my butt out the door to the gym.  I was also very hungry for breakfast, and I knew I should have eaten earlier, but I didn't, so gym didn't happen.  Neither did my workout at home.  Instead I caught up on things that needed catching up.  Now I'm sitting here, hair still wet from my shower, and trying to get my thoughts straight.
Yesterday, I ate fruit at breakfast, veggie salad with lunch, and there were vegetables in dinner.  So I felt better.  I want to get at least one fruit or vegetable in with each meal.  Its a very small goal, but its something to get me back on the right track.  Even if my salad does have feta cheese, black olives, and ranch, it still counts as a veggie.  Not a super great one, but it counts.  Oh and I had a potato for lunch yesterday.  For dinner I made a taco casserole type of thing, using low sodium tomatoes, rinsing the beans, low sodium taco seasoning, lean beef, but we have full fat cheese for now, so thats what I'm going to use.  I'm trying to get the things out of the house that are tempting.  We still have cake (but luckily I'm not all that into cake), we still have ice cream (my husband bought butterfinger ice cream that is just to DIE for!), and we still have oreos.  All the things have to exit the house.  Whether by force of the trashcan, or by my kids mouths, so that I'm not tempted to snack on oreos.  So its a work in progress.  I will say that somehow between last week and this week, I lost 2 lbs, so that makes for a happier me.  I need to feel motivated again, and feel better about working out again, feel better about what I'm eating.
Its not going to be overnight.  But I have to do this, yet again.  I am just really hopeful that this time it will stick.