Tuesday, March 9, 2010


Sometimes, somedays I have a problem.  I eat.  I feel that I can't fill up enough and I want to eat and eat and eat.  Like I literally cannot get full.  I don't know why this happens.  But it contributes negatively to my weight, as you would imagine.  Its been sunny here...actually for a few days in a row as a matter of fact.  I've seen more sunshine than rain in the last two weeks or so, and its absolutely wonderful.  So I can't contribute this to the weather.  Its cold here...really cold, and I walk the girls to and from school every day, so maybe it could be the cold, but I doubt it.  This just happens to me.  Why I don't know?  I just want to binge.  I don't do anything to make this happen.  I eat breakfast, I eat a good breakfast usually, and I don't skip meals.  I eat enough food, so I don't binge from not eating.  I don't binge because I'm missing something from diet...believe me, its all there.  So what would make me do this?  I think there is something hormonally wrong with me that would make me do this.  I mean my stomach won't get full on these days.  They don't happen all the time, but maybe about once a week.  For example, yesterday, I had an egg sandwich for breakfast, a chicken sandwich for lunch, and a rosemary pork roast with potatoes and a french roll with dinner.  I was sated completely.  Today, however, I had an egg sandwich for breakfast, and a banana, for lunch I had some leftover pork...then because I was still hungry I had a bowl of lucky charms.  Came home with the kids, and had another bowl of lucky charms.  I will say that I was craving like chocolate or something, but more of a pastry than candy.  I'm not huge into candy or anything.  But give me a brownie and I'm hooked.  I just don't get it.  I mean, I do have this "I can't feel full" feeling sometimes after workouts, major workouts, but I haven't been working out a lot lately, I haven't had time or motivation to do it.  So that can't be the source.  I drink plenty of water.  Well, I drink a LOT of water.  More than most people I know.  I have a 32 oz bottle that I drink out of for the most part, and I fill it up at least 5-10 times a day, depending on the day.
Anyway, the reason for me complaining about this, is that I'm just fed UP.  I'm soooo over being overweight.  And overeating.  I mean I know what makes me gain weight.  Its the eating.  The workouts I can do, although I haven't been doing a lot of them lately, I do enjoy working out.  The biggest reason I haven't been going back to the gym a lot lately is because my workout clothes...don't fit me like they used to, and honestly, I'm a little embarrassed.  Its like I should wear a big sign across my chest that says "YES, I gained weight."  I mean, I know people notice it...hell I notice it, how can others not.
Last night, Paul said that he's destined to be a fat man.  I thought about it, and I guess that sentiment is true for the most part.  I mean he likes food as much as I do.  And I really really married the WRONG man, if I wanted to look good through my life, lol.  He's the worst, I mean, he knows that sometimes my emotions can be quenched with food, so what does he do?  He buys me food.  Or he makes me yummy food.  Sometimes out of the blue he'll buy me something that I don't really want, but end up eating anyway.  He encourages us going out, but I do too, when he's home.  I told him last night that it is no wonder why I lose weight when he's not around, but gain it when he is around.  Sigh....
Why can't I just keep up the workouts, and good eating habits when he comes home?  Why do I always fall into the trap and start eating badly and start not working out as much???  Why, why, why.  I guess I could say its because I want to spend time with him, and me working out, feels like I'm not spending time with him, because he doesn't just want to come with me.  He hates the gym.  I guess I could say its because I want to apease him with my cooking, so I make foods that aren't as good as the ones I was making.  I guess I could say that I let loose when he's around because he's home, and I feel that I should be able to let loose.  The truth is though, that its all on me, it has nothing to do with him.  He doesn't make me NOT workout, he doesn't make me eat the foods I eat.  He doesn't make me eat more than I should.  I haven't always been heavy, I was a thin muscular girl when Paul and I met, and I soon got pregnant with Autumn.  I gained a lot of weight during my pregnancy, I lost most of it though, then some of it back.  Then I gained more when I had Sierra.  And I've been yo-yoing ever since.  I'll be thin, then heavy, then thin again, and now heavy.  Its sickening.  I hate it, and I wish there was an easier way for me.  I wish something could just click.  I want to be healthy, I want to be pretty again, I want to be able to have energy all day long.  I want to be able to wear pants, and not have to worry about how my belly sticks out over them.  Its just one of those things.
You know, I've contemplated dangerous things.  I've contemplated, not eating...won't work for me, throwing up...ick.  I've contemplated those silly lose weight drugs that don't work.  The only things that have worked for me, was eating right and working out, but how come they never stick...I guess its because I go back to my old habits when Paul comes home....its like I think I deserve it.  I don't want my life to be this up and down, me always focusing on my weight nonstop.  I never worried about it this much.  I never even gave my weight a second thought until I had Autumn.  Even after Autumn, the second thought didn't come around until Autumn was a little older and I'd gained some weight back.  Then, even when I was pregnant with Sierra, it was always in the back of my mind.  I can't ever stop thinking about it, and it really really sucks.  My knees are starting to hurt again, and I just wish that I didn't have this problem.  I wish that I could have a better metabolism, and I wish that I didn't have to think about my weight.  Right now I just feel lost.  I wonder if it will change when we get back to Texas.  Its not like Texas is going to be this magic weight loss place for me, its going to take time.  But I know that I will have many more options as far as working out goes.  I also know that I will have more food options as well.  That will help, if only I can make it help.  I used to be sooo fitness minded when I was younger, and I can be even when he's gone, but for some reason, its like it all falls by the wayside when he's home....
Okay, I'm done with my pity party of the day, if you got this far, thanks.

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