Friday, September 23, 2011

A Success, and a Fail

Officially...on Tuesday, I was exactly 221.2.  A grand total of:

GONE!  Poof!
I am now 7 weeks post op...on my way to 8.
Then I got hungry....and lately been feeling more hungry.  Maybe I'm having my TOM issues (I wouldn't know because I haven't had THAT happen for the last 7 weeks, surgery messes with your cycles).  Maybe...I was just hungry.  Either way, I had not one, but TWO Fiber One mini brownies...FAIL!
That isn't a good thing.  Although I will say that they are really yummy and are a great alternative for the real world people, they aren't a great alternative for me right now.  Right now, its all about the protein.  I have had three protein crystal light drinks today, string cheese, sandwich meat, about a 1/2 can of soup, some turkey sausage, and a small slice of sausage from a bbq place nearby.  I had the two small brownies, and have really wanted to carb load today.  I haven't really had much of an issue with carb loading lately, so it all comes at once.  Still, I like to think I did okay.  But I can't be surprised if the scales is quietly cursing me tomorrow morning either.  I need to see the damage.  I also can't celebrate if I've lost.  I need to get back on that pony!

People who have surgeries aren't your average joe people for the most part.  I know I wasn't.  Not in my eating habits at least.  I was and am addicted to food.  Its an addiction that is extremely hard to get out of.  I ate for comfort, out of boredom, I ate when I was feeling lonely, or sad.  It was my go-to comfort.  I have to be very mindful about what I put in my mouth nowadays, and even when I want the comfort.  I had no issues eating those little brownies, I ate them a little at a time.  They do have a lot of fiber in them, and they are much better for me than the average brownie, however, I can't make the excuses I made before I had the surgery.  It isn't okay, especially being only 7 weeks out, to have one or even the TWO that I had.  The food has to be conquered before anything else can be done.  Perhaps its my bodies way of telling me that I need to change something, or my bodies way of telling me that I'm not getting in enough calories.  Whatever the reason, its going to have to stop.  Now.

I really don't want to be that person that fails at this.  I don't want to be the person that is talked about..."oh she had weight loss surgery...its too bad she's gained it all back."  Its my BIGGEST fear.  Like I've said before, I've lost the weight in the past....then I've gained it all back, and most recently, MORE SO.  I'm not going through this *last ditch effort*, so that I can gain this weight back.  I'm ALSO not going through all of this pain (from the blood clots, or whatever else), so that I can have the weight stay on my frame.

I want to be healthy, I want to be happy, I want to play with my kids, and run 5k's again.  Lately, I've been getting more pain, and I'm unsure why.  Maybe the Coumadin isn't at the correct level, I will know more tomorrow about that.  Whatever the case may be, I've been feeling the pain creeping back up, it usually hits me right around 4 or 5 in the evening, and before I go to bed.  I've been taking two percocet pills to get by.  My dr. prescribed me enough for me to taper off to one.  I was able to do one for 2 days.  I thought it was getting better, and unfortunately, I've been feeling a little worse off.  I'm still getting in plenty of protein, and my vitamins to make sure it isn't that.  The only thing I can think is that maybe the Coumadin is failing, or perhaps I ate too much Vitamin K that day....sigh.  The blood clot ordeal isn't over yet, and I still have a long way to go.

Still~medical issues or not, I want to ROCK this sleeve.  I want to start working out, and I find myself getting more tired lately, and feeling the creepings up of the pain.  I don't want to over-do it either.  I don't want the pain, not even a little.  Its all still a learning game for me.  Between my new pouch, my blood clot, my foods, my drinks, and the excessive amount of protein I need every day, I'm still learning, and figuring this whole thing out.

Sometimes, I ask myself if this is all worth it.  Maybe I should just go ahead and EAT that Cinnabon... (lol, KIDDING), but seriously, is this all worth it?  Will it be in the end?  When will I EVER get to goal?  When will I get into ONEderland?  Can I start working out without having pain?  When can I run again?  Ugh...

It can definitely be frustrating.  It gets lonely too.  If I'm lucky, I get to talk to my husband for about an hour a week, and while I'm used to that aspect of my life, my new medical issues just make me want to talk to him more.  I still have a lot of wonderful friends to go to, I still have family to talk to, it isn't the same though.  He knows me better than just about anyone else.  He's the one I want to talk to, and now we are also discussing his impending re-enlistment for indef.  (meaning until he retires for all you civvies out there), we are also discussing what is going to happen when he comes home from his deployment right now.  He will no longer have a job in this company he's apart of, and will have to moved somewhere else on Fort Hood.  This also means that 6 months after he is home...hell, even 3 months after he is home, he could potentially be deployed again for another year.  I can prepare myself for this to happen.  I don't want it to by any means, but its one of those things that sometimes military wives have to be prepared for.  We can only go where the wind takes us, and we were lucky the last two years he was home before this deployment...he was HOME for 2 whole YEARS!!  Since we've been married, we've been LUCKY to have him home for a full year.  Usually he's only been home about 6 months with all of the field times, and schools he has to attend before being deployed again.  So I almost feel like we OWE the Army.  Plus, it will just be us going back to the norm, with the exception that he'll be deployed instead of in school or in the field.  So I have a lot weighing on my mind right now.  I think that is why I turned to the comfort food, and that is why I ate two....and its probably why I'm feeling really hungry right this second as well.  The military life is definitely a stressful life sometimes....

Still, I need to learn to deal with the stress in other ways.  My body will no longer allow me to binge eat (I will literally get sick), but I can still eat things I really shouldn't be eating.  While in the "losing" stages, I need to be extremely mindful of how I'm eating, and what I'm eating.  It is one of the reasons I've started buying organic foods when available (did you know organic eggs, and chickens have more vitamins in them?), I am buying more whole foods when I can (still, the processed brownie was pretty yummy, lol), and I'm also learning to live my life in a totally different way.  I avoid breads, tortilla's (oh how I miss my white flour tortillas), chips, crackers...white starches....I am learning to mend my kids minds to eating nothing but whole wheats, and more vegetables and fruits.  I've always loved fruits and veggies, but its always been way too expensive to buy fresh rather than canned or frozen.  Things are slowly changing.  I find myself LOOKING for high protein, low carb recipes more often.   I even found a protein cookie place...not sure the carbs on it, but it sounds interesting.  I've ordered books upon books to try out new things, but the one thing that is killing me right now, is not having as much fruit and vegetables as I did before.  Like I said, I love my fruit, and I love my veggies.  I'm told to stay away, or eat the exact amount every single day to keep my Coumadin from moving all over the place.  I want to add spinach, and mushrooms, and even salsa to my eggs in the morning...salsa works, mushrooms would work, spinach is really high in vitamin k, and I should probably stay away from that.  I can't have my coffee in the morning, mostly because I love to dump a crap top of sugary fatty creamer into it.  Still...I'm learning.  Small changes can make a world of difference, and I'm slowly coming around.  I hope my scale is still moving in the right direction.  If it isn't, well then, its time to re-evaluate my diet again, and figure out what is working and what isn't!

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