Why I can't lose weight....

I've mulled it over, I've fought myself..I've worked myself to the bone.  I've starved, I've eaten, I've restricted.  I feel like I've done it all.  I've lost weight, gained it back, lost again, gained even more...its been a cycle that I'm sick of.
Mostly it started when I got married/pregnant.  I wasn't ready to get married.  Paul and I had known each other for 3 months.  We hardly knew each other...we hardly knew who WE were as individuals.  We got married because we thought we loved each other, we got married so that while he was in Korea, I would be taken care of.  We have actually made it relationship wise, but it took a toll on me.  Not only was I very active when I met him, but I could pretty much eat whatever I wanted because of it.  I got a lot of attention, I enjoyed having fun.  I was scared to DEATH of commitment.  I wasn't the committing type back then.
Now we are nearing our 10th anniversary.  September 1st, will actually be our 10th anniversary of dating, December 10th, is our wedding anniversary.  I think I've finally figured out what my biggest issue is.  I get lonely.  Who doesn't, especially in the military life?  Instead of taking my frustrations and loneliness and insecurities out on more healthy things.  I get down, and eat, eating is a "comfort" of sorts for me.

Since, I've struggled so very much though.  I've been mulling over options for me.  I could start all over again and workout for hours a day and eat less, and go back on a diet, but the motivation is gone.  I've done it twice.  I feel like there is no point because I'm going to gain it back when my husband gets home.  And while NOTHING can guarantee that I won't gain weight again, there are things I can do, and measures I can take to help me in my future.

So after months of going back and forth, I've decided to get a surgery.  There are three types that you can get these days.  Bypass, Lapband, and Sleeve.  For me, I think that the bypass is a little too much for me to handle, I realize that it is a great choice for many people, but I'm afraid to do something that drastic, I guess.  It just worries me.  Lapband has the highest risk of failure, a friend of mine had it done, and wishes she hadn't.  She would rather have had the bypass, because after many issues with it, she ended up having to have bypass anyways.  So I've decided that the Sleeve is the best option for me.  I've done everything that needs to be done to get the surgery.  And I'm happy to say that I am number 9 on a list of 11 women waiting to get the surgery.  The first half, already have surgery dates, so I'm thinking I'll be getting a call within the next two weeks informing me of a surgery date.

This is a little nerve racking for me.  I'm nervous saying this on a public blog.  I'm nervous, just saying it out loud.  That is another reason that I've failed in the past, is that I haven't had the support.  At least not for any length of time.  I had a lot of support in Germany, and some great support in Colorado, and while I know I would have great support here as well.  I am doing something that I HOPE will help me to be healthier and remain that way for the rest of my life.

I understand how hard this will be.  I understand that it won't be easy by any means.  I do feel that it will help me in the long run though.  I understand that this will be a lifestyle change and no matter how much I'll want to, I won't be able to go back to the way I was, at least that is my hope.  I understand that things happen, and there is a danger of me gaining weight again.  I understand everything, I've done my research.

I feel that this will be right for me.  Right now it hurts to walk, it hurts to do day to day things, and while it will hurt to get this surgery.  It won't hurt so much to walk later, and I want to walk again, I want to run again, I want to be active again.  I love being active.  It really sucks to feel like I can't be active because of my weight.  So...here is a photo of me the day my husband left.  I normally wouldn't post a photo like this, just because I'm embarrassed.  But now, I really feel like I should, so here it goes:

I will keep you updated on my progress.  It depresses me to show these pictures.  But there it is.  My starting weight is 260 lbs.  =(

Please wish me luck on my journey to a new and better me...for a very long time!